Know Your Euros

Meet the Euro, the Dollar’s suave, more-attractive international cousin. Yes, it looks like something you ran off on your home printer, and no, it’s not as much fun as the Peso. When you’re down in Mexico, you can exchange $100US for roughly three million pesos. That’s what I’m talking about! Purchasing power, baby!

No, the Euro is double dastardly because prices look reasonable but after you get back to your room and double-check your math, you discover that you may have… just possibly… overpaid for that combination “Last Supper/Dogs Playing Poker” piece of artwork.

If you’re planning a trip overseas anytime soon, please feel free to use this handy reference guide so that you won’t get monetarily mixed-up.

First things first: when you initially get your hands on some euros, don’t do what I did, which was yell at the bank dude, “Hey, I’m here on vacation; I don’t have time to play a game of Monopoly with you!”

However, it turns out that the euro is fairly simple to get accustomed to, but you do need to have triple-reinforced pockets due to the fact that it’s a very coin-heavy currency.

ONE CENT EURO COIN
Always keep at least one of these in your pocket in case you lose a filling from one of your teeth; you can just melt this little guy down and make very nice temporary replacement.

TEN CENT EURO COIN
Immediately throw this in the trash. It’s simply not worth carrying around.

TWENTY CENT EURO COIN
See “TEN CENT EURO COIN”

FIFTY CENT EURO COIN
Okay, we’re sniffing around at the edge of real money now, so pay attention. This is worth keeping around due to the fact that most public toilets cost anywhere from one euro to one euro fifty cents.

ONE EURO COIN
I got confused between the 1 cent/1 euro, so I probably threw away $50 dollars worth of coins. Yes, I know it makes more financial sense for governments to use $1 coins, but… like the bidet… I’m an American and you can’t tell me to carry around a $1 coin! I won’t do it!

TWO EURO COIN
Oh Hell no! So now I’ve got a coin that represents real money, only it’s in my pocket where I constantly forget about it. My wife Mary went to a public toilet that didn’t make change and dropped two 2-euro coins in a machine that didn’t make change. She sat in there for a half hour trying to get her money’s worth.

FIVE EURO BILL
This is the your go-to money in the Euro family. I don’t feel like rooting around through a pocketful of coins, so just about everything I purchase is paid for with this bill. It’s also my tipping bill; I realize it’s too much when a bellboy at the hotel hugs me and calls me “Papa”.

TEN EURO BILL 
I don’t think I ever saw a $10 euro bill. Maybe they’re just a mirage.

TWENTY EURO BILL  
Whatever you pay for with this bill… stick of gum, Coke Light (Coke Light? Coke Light?), Last Supper mouse pad… you’ll get nothing but coins back as change. At some point, your pocket or purse might start dragging against the ground from the weight.

FIFTY EURO BILL
A fifty euro bill basically represents one meal for two at most restaurants, including the service charge for sitting at the table, the fee for water and the tip that the wait staff seem always surprised to see.

BIGGER BILLS
I suppose there are larger euro denominations than these, but you can’t afford them.






Last note: When you return home, expect to find enough leftover euros rattling around in your luggage to get a good start on your next European vacation.

Happy Bidet!

Mary: Charles! Did you pee in the bidet?

Me: What? That little croissant you brought back from breakfast? I don’t think so.

Mary: No, the bidet. In the bathroom.

Me: You mean the urinal?

Mary explains that the back-up toilet in our hotel room isn’t a back-up toilet at all; it’s a specialized  device that’s apparently supposed to be used only for cleaning your… ummmm…  whisker biscuit (woman), Russell The One-Eyed Wonder Muscle (man) or Stink Tube (woman or man).

Like most Americans, I’m completely flummoxed by the whole idea of bidets. "Why can foreigners just use toilet paper like God meant for them to?” I ask Mary.

She explains it like this: “Imagine you’re traveling overseas, and you check into a hotel. When you get to your room, you come to find out that you don't have a shower or tub in your room. You look around the hallway, but there’s not one anywhere to be found. You ask at the desk about where you should take a shower, and the desk clerk explains that what you ought to do is just rub dry tissue paper all over your body. That is the very best way of getting clean.”

Me: So let me get this straight... you want me to sit on this one, then sit on that one?

Mary: Yes, to wash yourself.

Me: You’re sure about this?

Mary: Yes I’m sure.

Me: Well, that airplane meal is coming in for a landing, so I'll let you know in a few minutes.

A Passion for Fashion

There we are, at the airport in Milan, Italy, after what felt like a 75-hour flight. It’s mid-morning (after flying all night) and Mary is studying the various options for making our way to downtown Milan. We can take a bus to the train station, we can take a train to the bus station, we can take...

I tell her that we can discuss it in the cab on the way to the hotel. Yes, it’s the most expensive option on the table, but I believe that spending my children's inheritance will teach them an important lesson about character.

At the hotel, Mary succumbs to the lack of sleep and decides to grab a quick nap before our planned afternoon tour.

Brandishing a map and a sense of adventure, I hit the streets of Milan in search of replacement duds since I only have the clothes I’m wearing after losing my luggage on the way over. I gaze at my dozing wife on the very-real chance that this is the last time I will ever see her. After all, I don’t have a stellar track record with not getting lost in foreign cities…

Milan is all about fashion. Armani, Versace, Prada, Dolce & Gabbana, Pucci, Gucci and many more took off on Milan’s runways. Fashionistas make a pilgrimage here to shop at the designers’ flagship stores in the Quadrilatero d’Oro (Golden Quad). Clearly, if you need to replace a wardrobe, this is the place to do it!

I spend 20 minutes in one shop before realizing that a silk scarf there would cost more than the best suit I own. The exchange rate isn’t doing me any favors, either; in the great cage fight of monetary currency, the Euro has hit the U.S. dollar with a Spinning Backfist and a cartwheel kick to the throat.

I finally find a store with comfortable, semi-affordable clothing and I load up. I even find
a stout duffle bag so I don’t have to carry all my clothes in a plastic bag like a homeless person.

The checkout lady speaks zero English so I just nod my head when she spouts her jibber-jabber. For all I know, she’s asked “Do you realize that you are purchasing the least fashionable clothes in all Milan?”

Now… which way was that hotel?

The Snag with the Bag

Sometimes Mary says the silliest things: “Are you sure that's your bag?”

We’re hustling down the walkway from the plane in Milan, Italy, and I refrain from calling her a “dumbass” long enough to more closely examine my luggage.

“See,” I tell her, unzipping the top pocket of the bag. “Here’s my iPad that’s… ummm… not my iPad.”

I can’t completely feel sorry for him, the dude who’s suitcase I left the country with, because I'm convinced that he’s the one who grabbed the wrong bag first and that I simply took the bag that was left.

We decide to leave the bag with “lost and found”, partly because it’s the right thing to do and partly because I don't want to have to explain to a customs agents why I have all that plastic explosive in my bag and spend the rest of my days rotting in an Italian prison.

Here's the thing: I'm in Italy with my beautiful wife. I've survived an endless flight and am on terra firma again. I hate losing my new bag, and I'm a little miffed about possibly never seeing my “ChattaVegas” t-shirt, but this doesn't bother me much.

We breeze through customs... actually “customs” seems to be three Italian guys yakking
at each other who simply nod as we pass, and we’re on our way.

Who wants to lug around a heavy bag anyway?

And We're Off...

One day I will learn my lesson:  I will take a horse tranquilizer before settling in on a 9 hour and 40 minute international flight.

I watch a movie. I read a book. I check the time. An hour has passed (okay, I fast-forwarded some through the movie and skimmed a little on the book).

I gaze out the window.

We are still on the runway.

An extra-tall frame and an extra-short attention span create a perfect storm of uncomfortableness, even though we paid extra to get a bulkhead seat and a little extra legroom.

The lights dim and all around me, folks start nodding off. The dude across from me has
covered his entire head with a blanket. Beside me, Mary has put on a sleep blindfold,
ear plugs, a plush travel pillow.

They start showing The King's Speech on the overhead screen, but I’ve already seen it, so I switch the audio to Italian. Maybe I can take this opportunity to become fluent in the language. However, the flaw in my plan become apparent when the stewardess offers me a beverage and I respond: "gr-gr-gr-gr-graci."

One of the nice things about international flights is that they ply you with free beer and wine. I choose a little vi-vi-vi-vi-vino and watch as the stewardess pours a glass from a Juicy Juice container. I sniff it, and then swirl it around in my mouth. It reminds me of the time I accidentally brushed my teeth with Preparation H.

All around me folks are slumbering. Stewardesses are sacked out in their little cubby-holes. I'm sure, in the cockpit, the pilots are splayed out, letting auto-pilot guide us over the dark, dark ocean.

When the third movie of the flight... Little Fockers, I think... begins playing, I try to will my brain into shut-down mode. 

 No such luck. I am wide awake, the only consolation that I am inching closer to Italy with every elongated minute.

Pack Light, Pack Right, Pack Outta Sight.

Things you might need on your Italian vacation:

•    Toothbrush & toothpaste (3 oz.) and dental floss
•    Deodorant (3 oz.)
•    Shampoo & conditioner (3 oz)
•    Nail care supplies
•    Shaving supplies
•    Makeup remover
•    Brush/comb
•    Sunscreen (3oz)
•    Moisurizer (3 oz)
•    Lip balm
•    Pleasure reading
•    Snacks
•    Earplugs
•    Sleeping Mask
•    Travel pillow

•    Motion-sickness remedy
•    Passport/visa
•    Driver's license
•    Itinerary
•    Maps & directions
•    Travel confirmation
•    Guidebook
•    Cellphone & charger
•    Camera & charger
•    Converters & adapters
•    Language guide
•    Copies of travel docs, credit cards and passport
•    Energency contact info
•    Medical insurance card
•    List of medications
•    Travel insurance
•    Umbrella
•    Luggage tags
•    Backpack/daybag
•    Purses
•    Collapsible tote
•    Money belt
•    Music player & headphones
•    Kindle/iPad

Things you probably won’t need on your Italian vacation: 


•   Ventriliquist dummy
•   Gallon of Jelly Bellies
•   Salad Spinner
•   Magic kit
•   Hula Hoop
•  Protractor
•  George Foreman grill
•  Gorilla suit
•  Hedge clippers
•  Complete set of encyclopedias
•  Chia pet
•  Fondue set
•  Fundamentals of Pre-Algebra textbook
•  Potting soil
•  3-D glasses
•  Pickle picker
•  Ouiji board
•  Bicycle pump
•  Oven mitt
•  Welcome mat
•  Bowling trophies
•  Anything from Hammacher Sclemmer catalog
•  Civil War chess set
•  Box of old electronics wires
•  Ice skates
•  Carton of out-of-date buttermilk
•  Windows 95 user manual

Getting Ready for Your Trip to Italy

There are so many things to do before you set out for your Italian vacation that chances are you’ve already started too late, even if your trip isn’t for several years in the future.

Don’t fret! Seeing as how I just got back from two weeks in Italy, I can provide you with everything you need to know before you go.

Follow this handy checklist and you’ll be more than ready to make your dream vacation a reality.

Be rich. Trust me, you will enjoy your trip to Italy much more if you have scads of disposable income.

Learn some Italian. Follow my lead: purchase a 75-cd set in order to learn how to say “hello” in Italian.

Call your credit card companies. Be sure and notify your credit card company that you’re going on a fabulous trip overseas; a jealous low-paid customer service rep working in a dimly lit cubicle probably won’t get jealous and turn off your card in the middle of your vacation.

Make sure you have a passport. Forget to get one? You can make your own with some blue construction paper and a picture cut out of your high school yearbook.

Get a power converter. European electrical sockets look like a snake bite. A travel converter can easily turn ghastly European power into electricity just like God meant for it to be.

Bring a backpack to carry your cash and valuables around in. Note: this tip was sponsored by the EPPA (European Pick-Pocketers Association).

Have the kind of spouse that is good at planning trips. I think that just goes without saying…